Book vomit

My laptop carked it last week. I've had old Humphrey for about 4.5 years. We've gone through two batteries and several laptop chargers. I'm taking him to a repair place on the weekend. I'll see how much of we can save but I think it might be time to find a new one. Liam's loaned me his old laptop, which I'm extremely grateful for.

During my forced computer sabbatical, I did lots of reading. I found sanity reading The Hunger Games trilogy. I know it's not the "coolest" thing to read at my age but I'm proud to say I fucking loved the series. I loved it so much that when I finished it, I moped for days feeling lost and heartbroken. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so forlorn. I decided to calm myself down and watch the film.

Spoilers ahead, guys.

I think what's upset me the most is knowing everyone is irreparably scarred. In Harry Potter, Harry and co live 'happily ever after' when Voldemort dies. Katniss and co can't "go back". There is no going back: their homes have been destroyed and their relationships with each other become so strained.

Katniss and Gale had this beautiful friendship and despite the love they feel for each other, it's gone because Katniss will always associate Prim's death with Gale. I'm not upset Katniss doesn't end up with Gale; I'm upset that Katniss will never love Peeta the way he has always so fiercely loved her. Yes, I've fallen in love with Peeta Mellark (falling in love with fictional characters is kinda my thing). His love felt so big and Katniss could only return a fraction of affection because she felt obligated to. Perhaps he expected too much from her. They're both so battered that they can only end up together. How can they explain what happened to them to anyone else? How can anyone begin to understand what they went through? It's so wretched!

Anyway, I'm very glad the second film is coming out this year. We're gonna have some fun.

I'm currently reading The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. I've read The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo and watched both the Swedish and American films. I'm starting to feel the books are ruining the films for me. Is that even a thing? Can books ruin the film? It made all the twists less shocking, but I suppose it can happen when you watch a film before you read the book. I did find myself comparing the two films. Overall they're pretty similar but I think casting in the Swedish film was better than the American. However, Rooney Mara's portrayal of Lisbeth Salander felt truer to the book. While Noomi Rapace was great, she interpreted Salander as an anarchistic rebel. In a way, Salander is that but I always thought Salander was more subtle and less reactionary.

Maybe I should write a comparative essay, comparing the films and the book.

I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy

Sometimes not sleeping enough really affects how the rest of my day turns out. A seemingly manageable dilemma can become very stressful. I got very little sleep the other night and yesterday morning I was so tired I could barely open my eyes. I felt nauseous and close to tears.

I work in a job where good customer service is a really important. I really strive to make sure every single customer has their issues sorted out immediately. This can become very demanding but when I'm in the right frame of mind, I can do it well. I try really hard to make sure everyone gets what they want or at least a very agreeable alternative, but not every situation turns out like that.

There have been three times in my working life where a customer has reduced me to tears. The first time was when I was working in retail and this woman was being very unreasonable and demanding and I had to get security to drag her out of the store because I felt very threatened. The second time, I had to deal with a very aggressive customer over the phone. That affected me so much I was semi-hyperventilating. The third incident was yesterday.

I had a really angry customer call me yesterday morning. I could understand why he was angry and I was doing my best to help him and explain what was happening but he just became more and more frustrated. It got to the point where I was starting to take his words personally and I too, was becoming frustrated. We ended the conversation on reasonable terms but I felt like I had been in a battle; I was trembling all over. When I hung up the phone, I bolted to the bathroom to cry.

I'm not a very assertive or confident person and when I am confronted in these situations I crumble. When I'm angry, I've conditioned myself not to scream and shout. I end up internalising it and it leaks out as tears. I'm getting better at managing these situations (I didn't hyperventilate this time). I understand I need to learn how to not take it so personally. I'm really trying my best to problem solve as efficiently and as fairly as I can.

However, sometimes I feel, as consumers, we don't realise people working in customer service are just doing their jobs and most of them are really trying to help us the best they can. We get so caught up with our own demands we forget we are talking to someone real. Some people take the whole "the customer is always right" mentality too seriously and assume they are entitled to be dicks to people serving them. We don't realise our words can really hurt someone. Imagine having the power to ruin someone's day, make them dread going to work the next day and remember this very incident for the next few years, if not for the rest of their working lives. I don't ever want to be responsible for that.

I'm not saying all people are angry and threatening. In fact the majority of people I deal with have been reasonable. Sometimes the customer has every right to be angry. However, sometimes I think they are so angry they want unleash their anger on the person working in customer service. When it gets to this point, it's becomes a matter of power. If someone in customer service spoke back to angry customers in the same tone, they would get in a lot of trouble. We need to be more considerate of how we voice complaints and how we speak to people in customer service. They, at the end of the day, are just trying to help you solve your problem. 

What are your thoughts?

10-minute word vomit exercise #1

I'm trying to do this thing where I write non-stop for ten minutes with minimal editing, just to get myself writing.

Here it is: 

The other day, I was asked “What are your hobbies?”

I realised I had no answer to this question. I have interests, activities I enjoy but there’s nothing in my life I would proudly declare as a hobby. I don’t think there’s anything I enjoy so much and do often enough to be a hobby. Maybe I’m over thinking this. I mean, gardening is great fun and I try to do that every weekend. I like writing too but everything I write is not very good and always unfinished. I think I’m giving this too much thought. What’s sad is I don’t have time to do the thing I love such as writing, making films, editing, drawing and blogging. I think it’s a shame. I wish I had that burning feeling inside me that makes me want to write about something super passionately. I think I get that feeling sometimes, but it easily extinguishes itself, and I just feel stuck. I’m concerned I don’t have anything burning I need to discuss. What is wrong with me? How do people break away from this? How do people stop watching TV? I really related to the new episode of Parks and Recreation. Tom Haverford is banned from social media and Ron Swanson is trying to help him through it. He realises how addicted Tom is to social media and asks Tom why does he need to be constantly distracted and Tom says it’s because his real life isn’t great at the moment. I feel like that’s exactly what’s happening to me. I’m trying hard to not to distract myself but it’s really hard.

Other stuff:

I reviewed Potted Potter the other day. It's a show about condensing all 7 Harry Potter books in 70 minutes. Check it out here.

I finally made a stop motion video that's longer than 8 seconds. Check out the newest one I've made:



What do you do when you're stuck in a writing rut?

I'm Banning TV, Guys

I’ve realised my obsession with TV has become slightly destructive to my general productivity and was somehow making me feel more and more depressed. I’ve been working full time for a few months and I have to admit I’ve been feeling really depressed for a lot of reasons: I don’t get time to do what I want to do ie. make films, write stuff – in general, do creative projects. As well, I’ve been gaining weight from sitting at a desk for 7 hours a day. It takes me an hour to get to work and back home again, which makes it difficult to go to the gym because I’m always too tired when I get home.

These issues really bothered me and I didn’t want to face them. I ended up watching copious amounts of TV – Game of Thrones, New Girl, How I Met Your Mother, Gossip Girl, Modern Family, Bones, Community, Parks and Recreation and The Big Bang Theory – to avoid it. It got to a point where if I couldn’t bring myself to face my issues, I would watch re-runs of Friends, Community or How I Met Your Mother to help numb it. It was so soothing at first, but I’ve realised it’s become a really big problem.



Coming back from Cambodia was like hitting the reset button, but I resumed back to my old practices really quickly. I even had some big opportunities come my way and I didn’t get onto them fast enough because I kept doubting my abilities and self-worth. Instead of addressing my problems, I watched Game of Thrones, then re-runs of Friends until I fell into a slumber. It happened every single day until it was too late.

I came across Jan Stewart’s blog post about sustaining a good work-life balance. It really made me  rethink about how I use my time. I can’t blame anyone but myself for not using the precious few hours I have after work to do productive activities.

So to introduce and sustain a healthy work-play life balance, I’ve decided to ban TV for a month.

Here are the rules:

• I am not allowed to watch TV from Saturday to Thursdays.

• “TV” constitutes anything on the actual TV, all films and TV shows that “magically appear on my computer” and online videos. This is to stop me from streaming episodes of Masterchef every night.
• Friday is my only TV day. I’ve done this because even the most disciplined individuals needs some indulgence. I can’t quit cold turkey! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING ON GAME OF THRONES!
• If the TV is on during dinner time, I am allowed to watch it. However, I can’t turn on the TV or choose what is being watched.
• My ban ends on the 21st of June, 2012

My only concern now is I will be on the internet a lot more ie. tweeting more inane crap than usual. This evening, I was just standing in the middle of the kitchen scrolling my twitter feed for about twenty minutes. That’s why I’m also going to turn off the internet and hide my mobile somewhere when I need to do anything productive. I’m going to make sure I make time to do the creative work I want to do without any distractions.

Other things I’m doing to improve my productivity, skills and mental stability:

• I’ve just started to keep a diary. I bought one because I assumed I would have so much time on my hands that I’d need a diary to quell my supposed infinite boredom. But seriously, I think it will come in really handy because it will keep me writing constantly without the fear of being judged, which is partly why I don’t blog very often. I think it will be helpful for my own confidence-building as a writer. It’s also cathartic.
• I’m going to make sure I read for at least 30 minutes before bed. This is for a few reasons. One is it gives my brain a break from the internet and social media. The other reason is so that I actually read. I’ve bought all these amazing books and I really want to read them but I can’t find the time or the attention span to do it. That’s why I think this will work all right. 

I only started the ban on Monday but I do feel better, more in control, more inspired. I mean, I’m writing this blog post, which is pretty cool!

On Monday, I had a really good chat with my brother about his general homework ethic and his tertiary choices. Then he and mum had a massive argument and I managed to mediate it really well, which would never have happened if I was watching re-runs of Friends.

Yesterday I spent the evening with Liam and we had a great dinner and discussed politics. He mostly informed me about what’s happening in Greece and we had a good chat about racial and gender profiling in Australian politics. I also fell asleep at about 10:47pm, which is very rare. I normally nod off at 12:30am (which explains why I’m always beyond exhausted).

Today has been pretty good. I almost turned on the TV to watch Masterchef but I managed to stop myself. Since this is a happening blog post, I guess I’d call this evening very productive. I’ve also got plans to play around with this new application called Buffer. It lets you pre-write your tweets and you can set them to tweet at certain times. I tried to figure out how to do it at work but I didn’t want to use our platform as a test-dummy so I’m going to play with that using my own twitter. I might even upload some nice photographs I took with my new lens (yes, I bought myself a new 50mm lens for dad’s Nikon).

I guess I'll be sharing things on a more regular basis. I'll be doing a few Cambodia posts too so stay tuned, and thanks for reading! I know this is a really long and wordy post!

My thoughts this week in dot points

• Went to Longrain. The bartender there was very attractive. The beef peanut curry and deep-fried baby snapper were standouts. It cost us $54 each. I thought it was really expensive considering an expensive meal to me is $20 each. I think my friends generally like to do fine dining often. I have no idea how they get the money to eat at these expensive restaurants.
• I've been getting writing anxiety that's really paralysing. I basically can't write anything serious because I feel like whatever I type will be shit and people will judge my worth on my words. I haven't felt happy about my writing for about 2 and a half years. I think I'm scared to try. I feel very focused on how I write rather than the content and it really eats at me.
• I really need a haircut, but I really want long hair. I think I should at least get a fringe, and maybe dye my hair brassy blonde or something
• I had pho yesterday at Saigon Pho on Lygon st. It was one of the best pho noodle soups I've had in ages. I usually eat at Rice Papers on Swanston Street but their food I feel is slowly worsening. They no longer give their patrons lemon and chilli for their pho anymore! That's mandatory.
• There's a new hot dog place in the city called Pink Cafe Hot Dog. Even though their hot dogs don't look as nice as the ones at Snag Stand, I really want to try these, especially since their mini chilli dog is only $2
• I did a cheese quiz and failed miserably because I don't eat goat's cheese.
• I need to get a real job.
• I sometimes wish I was fashion blogger, but I don't think what I wear warrants a photograph on my blog.
• Going through my Kanye West phase. Like a boss.
• Early last year I met a camera assistant on set and he introduced me to this band called The Baseballs. They are this German band who do 50's renditions of top 40 songs. This one is pretty legit. Also who else thinks German is a very sexy language? It's very masculine, like a lumberjack and beards. And Michael Fassbender.
  
• My dad found an abandoned wild turtle in a house he was working at one day so we are now looking after this very shy wild turtle until my dad can take the turtle to a freshwater creek. I've been digging up worms in the garden. I love watching him eat worm. I let him go for a walk in the backyard. My shih tzu saw him and started shaking vigorously. I think she's scared of turtles.
• I'm going away with Liam next Friday to Port Fairy. I'm really excited about it.
• I saw Mission Impossible last weekend. It was fantastic. I really enjoyed it, partly because Simon Pegg offered great comedic relief, but mostly because Tom Cruise's hair was the perfect length and the teal silk suit he wears in Dubai is perfectly tailored. Plus, he's so buff.
• I think I should be less ashamed of my Cruise love.
• I can't wait for Rock of Ages
• I think I'm watching Mission Impossible 4 again tonight.

How was your week?

The wrong side of the bed

Last night I went out to dinner with my friend Rachael. We went to a lovely little Thai restaurant in Springvale called Mee Dee Thai and it was wonderful. I didn't take any photos or order anything too exciting. However, I will be back there on Friday with Liam because I know he will love it and they do sticky rice with mango and that's a huge win.

I was talking to Rachael and she said to me when it is the new year, she likes to spend the whole day doing things she loves because she believes what she does on the first day of the new year will dictate how that year goes.

I was hoping that today would be a very chilled day at work. Chill customers, chill shopping centre. But my whole day was just disappointing and reaffirmed my "I hate new year's" mentality.

Work was agonisingly slow. There was nothing to do. No one felt like doing anything except make "5318008" stickers with the pricing gun. Then thirty minutes before we were about to close, swarms of customers kept coming in and messing up our tables and racks. Where were they at 10am this morning? I was incredibly annoyed, especially when those customers kept sifting through our racks after we had told them we were closed.

I also had the worst lunch break ever. I know, I know – first world problem. I was really looking forward to it because Liam came and surprised me at work right before I was due to go on my break. I thought today would be the best lunch break ever. But I ended up spending the majority of my time literally waiting for my food to be made. The shopping centre I work in was so damn quiet but the food court was still extremely busy. We got some Hanaichi (my current Maccas substitute) and our food took about 20 minutes to arrive. I had to shovel my lunch in my mouth like they do in anime shows!

Afterwards, I wanted to go to Daiso and buy some weird candy, but they were shut. I WAS SO BUMMED ABOUT THIS. I decided to go to Chatime to get the special grapefruit QQ because my co-worker got it for lunch it tasted nice PLUS it had tapioca pearls (I LOVE DAT STUFF). However, when they started to make my drink, they had run out of pearls! GAH. So I ended up getting "rainbow jelly". It also took them another 10 minutes to make it too!

Sigh.

In other news, I've decided to start reviewing food from Daiso. I had this idea back when Susie had her radio show on SYN. I thought it would be the best thing if we reviewed Daiso candy, but Susie is in London at the moment and so I thought I'd do this solo-style on the blog. I've decided to buy the weirder flavours. I've got Butter and Salt candy, Sea Salt Candy and Bekko, which is apparently pure caramel. That one isn't weird; it just sounds delicious. I also saw a Salt and Peanut Butter one, Raw Sugar Candy, and others I can't remember. There are also other butter and salt flavoured ones. I just thought it might be a bit of fun.

I'm also thinking of reviewing Daiso's range of canned drinks and biscuits too. It's very exciting. I guess I'm just happy I've got a project happening! This can extend to podcasts, have friends "guest star" and give their 2 cents on whatever products I'm sampling. Hell! We can review all kinds of cider if we want to (which we/I will).

YAY FOR PROJECTS!

I don't mind Christmas. I just hate Boxing Day

I think most people in retail would agree that working on Boxing Day is the worst day ever. I've been working Boxing Days for the past four years, the fourth year being yesterday, and no matter how well you prepare yourself for it, you really don't know what to expect.

Yesterday was particularly bad, I suppose. I've never had to work a 12 hour shift before and it was made worse because it was so busy. It took 5 minutes to get to opposite end of the store. I was lucky I was in charge of the change rooms and was doing stock so I didn't cop much abuse. The poor girls at the counter had some nasty mums yell at them because they wanted something for cheaper because they found it in the $10 pile. What do people expect on Boxing Day? People put things in the wrong places because they can't be bothered putting it back in the right place. And then there are those customers that treat the store like a bin. I'm not talking about leaving their stupid coffee cups all over the store. I'm talking about spitting in the change rooms. Ick!

I feel like I haven't had much of a break these holidays. Christmas was technically a day off but it was stressful in a different way. It was the first time my parents met Liam's parents. I was really nervous about it because I feared my parents would be rude and not talk to anyone, but they really made an effort, so it turned out super well! I was really happy and we were all stuffed with food by the end of the evening. I had 5 glasses of champagne!

Liam's parents got me a lovely box full of face creams and make up, which I've already started using. I can really feel the difference on my face. Liam's siblings all chipped in and bought us a little voucher to a bed and breakfast so we could spend a few days relaxing in Port Fairy. Liam's parents also got my parents a huge hamper of wines and crackers, which was really nice, and got my brother a $20 iTunes voucher, which I know he was super chuffed about. I got Liam season 1 and season 2 of Community and he got me this portable emergency battery charger.

All in all, a good Christmas!

What did everyone get for Christmas?

Political limbo

I remember telling my English tutor when I was 13 that I thought politics was boring. I had never taken a real interest in politics until my late teens, but even then it was all so basic and summarised. As I grow older, I realise that politics is something that we can’t avoid as every institution has their own political battle.

In Year Ten, our Science teacher moved our Science test the day before we were supposed to sit it. We were so outraged and my friend demanded that no one put their names on their tests as a way of protesting this unfair move by our teacher. I wholly supported this. However, I was also the only one that left their name off their test so the teacher knew it was mine. I was kinda let down by my own comrades.

In Year Eleven my Chemistry teacher said it was compulsory that we all sit a Science competition. It cost two dollars. I didn’t see how it was compulsory if we all had to pay to participate in this science competition. The way I saw it, if I didn’t cough up my $2, I was choosing not to sit this stupid test. But she insisted that it was compulsory. I ended up giving in to her, considering it was only $2.

At the last federal election, I followed it so closely. I stayed up late, watching them come to some non-decision because the votes were so close. It was interesting. We still functioned as a society despite the government being in some kind of limbo. My theory has always been that people were voting below the line because Labor and Liberal had become so similar it was like choosing between which two staplers to use.

As I grow older, I feel that I am quite left-wing, and people seem to think of it as a bad thing. I think being left wing feels right to me. What is wrong with wanting equality for everyone, wanting the world and society to stop exploiting the poor? What is wrong with harmony? What is wrong with despising violence?

Sometimes, it’s unfathomable how narrow-minded our country’s “leaders” are. Take same-sex marriage for example. They go on about the sanctity of marriage being between a man and a woman. I hate that argument. Two words: Kim Kardashian. The fact is that giving people the same rights as everyone else is a basic necessity. You can’t call your country a progressive and diverse country when same-sex couples aren’t allowed to marry.

It’s the same thing with refugees. Since when was it equal and humane to lock up a bunch of people who have done nothing but seek refuge in what they thought was a compassionate country? It makes me so sick that our government is just carting refugees from country to country just like cattle.

Sometimes I feel like it’s just not enough to just believe in these things. Sometimes you need to actively show that you are in support of these issues. It could be through donation, or through protests and rallies. I don’t think I do enough of that.

Perhaps that’s my New Year’s Resolution?

The bath salts – they're starting to effervesce

Oh what glorious weather! I'm so used to cold weather that I was still wearing my thick robe over my flannel PJs this morning. I decided to get dressed and felt a bit scared that I was only wearing a t shirt and shorts. I haven't worn single layers since Thailand. I have the day off again (thank you!) and I've found myself in a bit of a slump but I think getting dressed certainly helped things.

I think my problem is that I watch way too much TV. I'm onto the last season of Friends. I don't know what I'll be watching next, although I'm very pleased that all my favourite shows are coming back on air this week! That's the thing with TV: it's a bit of a weird relationship. You get sucked in and you rarely want to do anything else. However, I do think I have something to write about today that relates to the TV I watch. Like I said before, I've been watching a lot of Friends. As a show, it's funny. It's good background fodder, really, and sometimes you need that. You rarely get massive LOLs but it's not unfunny enough to make you not watch it.

Anyway, I've realised that I have a few issues with Friends when it comes to their portrayal of masculinity. It actually does bother me quite a bit. One of my favourite characters is Chandler and I've noticed that he gets panned a lot, and usually the insults are directed at his lack of masculinity, perhaps more at how he doesn't reach the general standards of masculinity. And usually, that just means he's possessing feminine qualities.

One example that springs to mind is when Chandler takes his first bath. He enjoys it very much but he needs a toy ship in the bath with him to assert to himself that it's OK for him to do a seemingly "girly" activity. Apparently the toy boat cancels out all the candles and bubbles.



I suppose it just annoys me that TV’s way of showing what isn’t masculine is by being feminine, and it shits me a lot. There’s nothing wrong with being feminine and I don’t see why it should be a problem for a man to possess feminine qualities. And in fact, these ‘feminine qualities’ aren’t exclusively female if you think about it. Wanting to be clean and odourless (or, just pleasant smelling) is a pretty standard thing for men and women, so why is there a problem with a man having a bubble bath? Hygiene and being hygienic shouldn’t be exclusive to one gender.

Anyway, that’s my mini rant. I should probably look into some academic papers on Friends. I think it would be interesting.

Productivity. Ish.

I feel like today has been a decent day. I've found a couple of jobs and applied for them. Well, actually, I found two and one of them I actually found yesterday. There was this job advertised on the loop and it was just perfect for me. Something I could do with my eyes closed. The only problem was it was in Brisbane. I know I've mentioned that I am always willing to relocate somewhere for a job but I never thought of Brisbane. Nothing wrong with Brisbane but I just don't know what else is up there for me. But then again, I've never really been to Brisbane. I've only been to the museum so I guess it's not something I should write off. Hmm. I guess I should totally apply for it then.

Then there was this other job for SBS. They're looking for a Mandarin Part Time Producer, which I thought I could do all right in, although my Chinese is probably a bit shit but Liam's all game to help me somehow (he's learning Chinese at Uni but he's forgotten some of it. I guess we could be study buddies or something). Anyway, if anyone else is in need of a job, do go check it them out and apply.

My friend Susie is the most in the loop with the arts in Melbourne and she posted on twitter that buzzcuts were looking for volunteer reviewers for the Fringe Festival. As I've been quite keen to get back into writing and whatnot, I thought this was a great opportunity. Plus I've just watched 'Goodfellas' (AWESOME AWESOME FILM GO WATCH IT), so I might review 'Goodfellas' as part of my application (because they want you to submit a sample review). Seriously, any one out there who thinks this is awesome should totally apply!

I've also had my friend Stacey ask me to do some continuity work with a film she's producing which features a DANCING IRISH WOLFHOUND! I screamed when she told me. Even if I wasn't helping out on that shoot, I would have BEGGED her to let me hang out with the dog. I love dogs (in case you couldn't tell).



Oh and guess what else I did? I drove today. I don't know if I ever mentioned but I don't have my license. I'm still a wee ol' Learner and today was the first time in MONTHS that I've gone driving! It was a bit freaky at first because my dad isn't the best person to drive. He kept clutching onto the door handle/ledge. I would probably say that I'm getting better but my god changing lanes is the SCARIEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE. It was probably a bad idea to drive in peak hour traffic although it wasn't too bad.

I actually wanted to go to the park and take pictures of flowers or whatever but I just had so much cleaning to do! Plus I wanted to get dressed. I don't know about you but I don't get dressed on my days off. I just whip on my dressing gown and that's that. I do think that if I did get dressed, I would be more inclined to do things. Ah, I'll try that theory out tomorrow.

Anyway, this is one of those nothing blogs. I hope you all have a good weekend!

Anything

It's been a weird week for me. Kind of mentally dull and tiring. It's not like I did much but I guess my inactivity is what's driving me a bit insane. I'd go to work, and when I'm working, I'd feel really upset that this is how I'm making a living. Then when I'd have a day off, I'd feel angry and resentful that I can't muster up the motivation to do anything. And "anything" ranges from going to the gym to looking for a job, to cleaning the house, to writing a script.

I don't understand how I'm unable to do anything. There's certainly not anything hindering me physically. So why is it so hard? Why aren't I this go-getter? I want something so bad but it doesn't seem like I'm willing to do very much to get it. Honestly, it's not that hard. Just do something. But I just can't seem to.

I just can't do anything unless I've promised someone else that I would do it, be it a job, going to the gym etc. I seem to be OK with putting myself off and letting myself down. I don't know why that is because that's not the way to go. Why do I think it's OK to let myself down than to let someone else down?

Am I scared that if I try doing something that I might fail miserably? Maybe I have issues with criticism. Perhaps I'm scared I'm not good enough at whatever it is I want to do. Perhaps I don't know what I want to do. Maybe I feel too safe. Perhaps living at home is causing me to feel too safe.

This is the thing: I really want to move out. But I can't move out when I'm doing unpaid internships, so I have to look for a job, but I'm terrified that if I find some kind of full time retail job or equivalent, I will eventually throw my degree in the bin. I mean, there's nothing wrong with working in retail full time, but I don't think that's what I want. I suppose I should really think about which one of these has a priority over the other.

I think my problem is that I over think. I am what socialists hate about philosophy. It's just all talk. You don't change things unless you act and I really need to stop feeling super frustrated with myself and just do something.

Anything.

Online shopping roolz. Just saying.

Online shopping is a god send. I don't think I would have as much of a good time on the internet if I couldn't actively buy things from it. Asos is my favourite at the moment, but I browse Etsy, Forever 21, H&M, Urban Outfitters and Topshop on a frequent basis. It's the best feeling when you go online and purchase something you probably can't buy here, or something amazing at a really low price. Shops like The Book Depository are great because they offer great discounts as well as free shipping. I think being in Australia, free or very cheap shipping makes buying online so much more appealing.

So recently, Premier Investments have decided to close down about 50 of their stores. They're the people who own Dotti, Peter Alexander, Smiggle, Portmans, Jay Jays and Just Jeans. They're closing these shops down because they are not making enough money and the chief executive of Premier Investments blames online shopping for the plummet in sales because consumers pay no tax when they spend under $1000 online.

All righty, then.

No one I know shops to avoid the tax. I didn't even know we weren't paying tax when we buy online. And why are the employees being sacked because retailers aren’t making eough money? Maybe retailers should have a hard look at WHY their business aren't making enough. The fact is, if you, as the CEO, aren't making enough, that's not the fault of the employees. Have a look at the appeal and quality of your products and the store conditions. The lowest of the rung shouldn't be the ones copping unemployment because someone on top is doing a crap job.

If online retailers are taking business away from "Brick-and-mortar" stores, the only possible solution is to join the ranks of other online retailers and offer customers an online experience as well as an offline one. That’s the only way to compete with them, and succeed.

David Jones and Myer are actually freaking out about the loss of customers in their department stores. Their solution is to offer a "money can't buy" experience: Myer wants to introduce dentist and weight loss clinics and free breast screenings. David Jones is planning on keeping their stores open for 24 hours because god forbid, I really need those Sass and Bide jeans at 3:47am and I have to know what that 24 hour in-store experience is like.

NO, DAVID JONES. JUST NO.

If they're really scared of losing business, instead of objecting point blank to having any kind of online presence, they should embrace the power of the internet and promote their brand online. And having a Facebook and Twitter account is just not enough any more. In store shopping experiences are important, yes, but so are online experiences. ASOS isn’t just any online store: They style shoots, have their own online magazine, get fashion editors to pick out their favourite must have items, and show consumers how to dress in season.

The reason why Sportsgirl is such a thriving business is because its online presence has been nurtured so well that it can compete with the likes of ASOS, Forever21 and Urban Outfitters. It uses lookbooks to style and sell their clothes. They constantly collaborate with bloggers and consumers by having giveaways, which are announced through their Twitter and Facebook accounts. Sportsgirl works because it becomes more than just another online store. Its collaborations and interactivity with consumers creates a platform that well exceeds a “money can’t buy” experience that stores like Myer and David Jones are trying to achieve. No one actually cares about launch parties where only Australia's very rich industry VIPs are invited to, but they do care about how to incorporate this season’s looks into their daily wardrobe.

In short, retailers need to stop being so elitist and old fashion. If you can’t beat them, join them. If you’re still adamant that you can beat online retail businesses without joining the virtual shopping revolution, then I’m sorry, you deserve to go bankrupt.

Gym tales continued

I've joined the gym ever since I got back from Thailand. It took a lot of hard work to lose about 8kgs so I'm really invested in keeping that off, even though I gained 3kg in Thailand. I figured, I'm not going to run in the cold during the dark, ungodly hour of 7am. I might as well join the gym. At least I'll be warm. I've joined with my friend Karmen so hopefully that's extra motivation for me. I hope we don't let each other down.

Yesterday, Karmen and I did our first class together. It was Body Combat. Here's a video:



It's pretty much air boxing. I had to kick and punch the air to a pulp while in rhythm to some adrenaline-charged top 40 songs. It's a lot more full on than you'd think, and requires a bit of coordination too. I mean, not even 5 minutes into the class, while I was "shuffling"/bouncing across the room sideways, I lost my footing and fell. I slid across the floor. Well, that's what it felt like. Some very kind ladies behind me helped me up. I was all right, but my dignity was bruised when Karmen started laughing.

It was pretty funny though.

But embarrassing in a soul-ripping kind of way.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T EXERCISE!

It was one of those "No one makes me bleed my own blood" moments, so I punched the air faster and harder. As a result of my anger and embarrassment, I am now in a world of pain. Yes, it's your usual too much lactic acid situation, but it's also much worse than that because parts of your body that shouldn't hurt are hurting. It makes any movement impossible.

Sometimes I don't know why we do this to ourselves. I had grand plans to use the hotel gym in Thailand. I even bought some new converse shoes just for the occasion. I never did it, of course. I just couldn't be bothered. Besides, who wants to waste their holidays exercising?

Day 1 in Bangkok

I'm in Krabi now and I'm enjoying my time here. This is the first post that documents my trip to Thailand. It's very text heavy so apologies about that. If you'd like to read it, go for it.

My first night in Bangkok was a real cultural shock. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I felt severely overwhelmed by everything, most likely due to the 9 hour flight, where we only munched on cheese and crackers and nuts. And wine. I swear, it should be illegal to not feed people on such a long flight. Yeah OK technically we do get fed, but that’s only if we pay an additional fee for food and I think that’s so not fair, considering Pringles cost about $5 on Jetstar flights.

What we did do was share a burger at the airport. I actually wasn’t going to eat at the airport because I wanted to be ready for street food in Bangkok but considering our flight was a 9 hour one, it would have been a dumb move. So, this burger: we weren’t sure how good it would be but it surprised us by being super tasty! Sadly there are no photos but it was a beef burger with a thick and moist beef pattie, served on good quality buns, some rocket and sweet tomato relish. Delicious. I noticed that at the cafe there was a goth/emo-looking couple eating margarita pizzas. When we boarded our flight, that same couple was on the plane! Weird coincidences.

Anyway the 9 hour flight was slightly agonising. My boyfriend’s dad bought me the “Tattler” magazine. I thought the girl on the cover was Emma Roberts so I was like, “Awesome!” because I am a huge fan of Emma Roberts. Turns out it was someone from some rich British family. In fact the whole magazine was about rich people from rich British families, maybe loosely related to the Royal family. It’s so weird! It’s like... if the gossip girl website was in magazine form. I honestly don’t know why anyone in Australia would buy and read this magazine because it just seems so ... irrelevant.

Once we landed in Bangkok airport, it seemed like we had some bad luck getting out of the airport. We weren’t the problem, but the lady at the visa section took AGES processing someone’s visa and so we were in line for ages trying to have our visas processed. When we were done at the airport, we took a confusing train ride to our hotel. It’s actually lucky that our hotel is practically part of the train station so we managed to quickly dump our stuff in our room, and go out for some food.

As soon as we made it onto the street, this man was trying very hard to get us to ride in his tuk tuk. He was very persistent. He seemed very nice but we weren’t interested. There were these vendors right next to the hotel selling all kinds of food. I was, again, very overwhelmed by the options available that I just froze. I didn’t know what to order, so we ended up sharing some tom yum goong with rice. No photos, unfortunately, but it was super delicious. Afterwards, we went to a bar and had some gin and tonics, then we went back to our hotel room for some sleep.

You can't have your cake and eat it too

It's funny how things "work out", if that's even what you would call it considering the circumstances. See, for the past month, I've been putting my life on hold to work on my appearance in the hopes that it will help me boost my confidence and eventually rub off in areas of my life that have been dormant since graduation ie. finding professional work.

I have been contacting this post-production house for a bit a few months ago and when they told me that they were too busy to take on a new intern, I sort of crumbled a bit inside. I mean, obviously that's not the only thing that has been a blow to me, but it certainly decreases my confidence.

So my life's been on hold and I wanted Thailand to be this epic time where I can escape "real life" for two weeks just so that I can reassess myself, I suppose. And I'm beyond excited about this. Thailand is all I think about these days.

Then I received a phone call from the post-production company, notifying me that they are ready to take on someone for a trial internship next week. I've obviously accepted. I'm obviously not sure how this will go, but if things go really well, I could be faced with the chance of a full time internship. But that will coincide with my trip to Thailand.

I know it might sound stupid that I'm not sure what decision to make, but this is what I'm thinking: I really want to go to Thailand. I've had these tickets booked for months. And really, I'm only going for 16 days. It's not like it's a permanent thing, you know? I mean, I suppose if they really want me to work with them, they can wait for me. But the problem is that my job starts at the bottom of the ladder. They could just see me as being very replaceable, and they might even be a bit angry at me for springing this on them? I don't know. But that's all hypothetical. However, I do think it's important for me to think about it anyway.

What would you do?

I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. God, Karen you're so stupid!

photo taken from burgers by phone

I'm on a diet. Sigh. I never thought I'd say that. Somehow I feel like being on a diet is a symbol of defeat. I mean, it's not actually. But it feels like I've reached a point where I'm no longer accepting the way I look, or liking my so-called "lady lumps" and whatnot. Which is sad, because I've generally been all right with the way I looked. Sure, I'd have the odd shit day where I wished I was the size of Ellen Page. But generally, I never really cared all that much.

Of course, things change when you are going to Thailand. And being in a 3 year relationship sure adds kilos to the waist. I've probably gained about 7 kg since dating my partner because our relationship pretty much centralises on food and How I Met Your Mother (this is not even a joke). So when we decided to go to Thailand I thought I'd better get into shape, go back to the weight I was 3 years ago (not that I was extremely thin or anything, but I was definitely slimmer than I am now).

So to help me "get into shape", I've gotten a personal trainer. And sometimes, I think to myself "What have I gotten myself into" because it's pretty hard. I have to exercise a lot, something I'm not at all used to. And the diet! Lord. I can't eat so many of the things I used to eat. Cheese? Gone. Cake? Gone. Bread? One slice a day. Makes me weep. And I have to maintain this for two months! I don't know how I'm going to last.

I thought I'd be all right, but then I was introduced to long distance running, and now my whole being is filled with dread and pain and doubt. And now I've developed a disgusting cough, that makes my whole body tremble, aching my already sore abs. Everything hurts! I'm super miserable right now. I constantly wonder what is the point of being "healthy" when it takes so much joy out your life. What's the point of having awesome abs when you can't enjoy food? Maybe I'm just being extremely pessimistic. I do have a habit of doing that. They say the first two weeks is very hard.

So, you had a bad day...

So I've had a pretty terrible day today. I'm just sick and tired of the bureaucracy within companies and general boredom and restlessness from being stuck indoors for such a long time. I thought I'd bake some cupcakes/giant cupcakes/muffins to take my mind off things. I made these for my 21st. The recipe is from Radishes and Rhubarb. Here are some photos.

The MSG Story

I was browsing Urbanspoon and I stumbled across this review that implied that the MSG in the restaurant's food gave him/her a headache. Well, that annoyed me. It made me realise that MSG was a result of racism and xenophobia.



You know, in Chinese and Thai cooking, MSG is simply called flavour. It's just some kind of powder that enhancers the flavour in your food. My mum sometimes uses it in her cooking, my partner's Thai brother in law does too. Everything you eat has MSG in it. Doritos? MSG-ed. Shapes? MSG-ed.

Here is my theory:

Years ago, when Asian migrants started to enter Western countries, and bringing their delicious cuisines with them, opening up their little take away shops and whatnot, the West freaked out.

"Oh, no!" they would moan. "These Asian folks make such good food, what if they steal our good old business? We must consult with the head of our state! Surely there is something they can do to save our businesses!"

So they would scramble to meet the Heads of State, begging them to do something about this crisis. "We can't lose our business to the foreign folk!" they cried.

The Heads of State listened, stroking their beards. They came up with a plan, but they needed their men to befriend these foreign folk, suss out their strategies, and report back to the Heads of State.

The business men agreed, so off they went, befriending these foreign restaurateurs. These foreign restaurateurs were more than happy to share their food with the Western folk. It felt like they were becoming part of the family, like the Western folk were welcoming them. They showed them their recipes, taught them their skills. Little did they know that the Western folk have been conversing with the Heads of State in secret.

"What is this powder they speak of?" asked the Heads of State.

"We don't know, sir. But it makes food taste bloody good!" piped the men.

"By golly, we can't have that! What if it's bad for you?" asked the Heads of State.

"That would be terrible! How do we stop our folk from eating this delicious but unknown flavour enhancer whilst saving our businesses?" asked the men.

The Heads of State stroked their beards some more, and held up their index finger.

"We propose that this substance be named MSG for Monosodium Glutamate," said the Heads of State.

"Oh, what a scary and scientific name! That must be terrible for us!" cried the men.

"Yes, and once word gets out about MSG, it will put folks off foreign food, and your business will increase two fold!" declared the Heads of State.

And word did get out about MSG. Decades later, TV Shows like A Current Affair and Today Tonight exposed how terrible MSG was, and how dangerous Asian cooking was because they used so much MSG.

The End.

OK, so that was a really terrible story and obviously not a historical account of MSG, even though it could be perfectly plausible. But do you see my point? My theory is that MSG was just another way the West bred xenophobia against the East. By calling flavour enhancers this terribly scary name, it's like someone put a litre of red food colouring into your soup.

I just want to say, yeah, MSG is bad for you if you eat too much of it; but it's no different to salt. Next time you freak out that there's MSG in Asian cooking, remember there's MSG in your potato chips and your cuppa soups and savoury biscuits and frozen goods.

To be unbored

I AM SO BORED.



There is nothing to do. I'm sick of being online, I'm sick of sitting, sick of being in my house, sick of not having flour, sick of not being about to bake, sick of not being creative, sick of wanting to be creative, sick of typing, SICK OF BEING BORED.

Note to self:

So, I'm feeling frustrated and angry right now. It's like this: you can't "make it" just by looking for jobs on Screen Hub or eJobs or Mumbrella. Sure, they're good for things like money and stuff, but really, when you want to "make it" you just have to take the initiative and do it yourself. You have ideas for a short film that will blow people's minds? Don't fucking wait till you've "made it" because that's not going to happen until you get your fucking arse out there and make shit happen.

I'm finding it hard right now to "make" anything. I want to write things, but I keep second guessing things. My problem right now is I just need to do things. I need to do something. I can't just hang around and be like, "oh when am I going to be discovered?" because no one wants to know you when you're not doing anything.

Just fucking do something.