It's been a weird week for me. Kind of mentally dull and tiring. It's not like I did much but I guess my inactivity is what's driving me a bit insane. I'd go to work, and when I'm working, I'd feel really upset that this is how I'm making a living. Then when I'd have a day off, I'd feel angry and resentful that I can't muster up the motivation to do anything. And "anything" ranges from going to the gym to looking for a job, to cleaning the house, to writing a script.
I don't understand how I'm unable to do anything. There's certainly not anything hindering me physically. So why is it so hard? Why aren't I this go-getter? I want something so bad but it doesn't seem like I'm willing to do very much to get it. Honestly, it's not that hard. Just do something. But I just can't seem to.
I just can't do anything unless I've promised someone else that I would do it, be it a job, going to the gym etc. I seem to be OK with putting myself off and letting myself down. I don't know why that is because that's not the way to go. Why do I think it's OK to let myself down than to let someone else down?
Am I scared that if I try doing something that I might fail miserably? Maybe I have issues with criticism. Perhaps I'm scared I'm not good enough at whatever it is I want to do. Perhaps I don't know what I want to do. Maybe I feel too safe. Perhaps living at home is causing me to feel too safe.
This is the thing: I really want to move out. But I can't move out when I'm doing unpaid internships, so I have to look for a job, but I'm terrified that if I find some kind of full time retail job or equivalent, I will eventually throw my degree in the bin. I mean, there's nothing wrong with working in retail full time, but I don't think that's what I want. I suppose I should really think about which one of these has a priority over the other.
I think my problem is that I over think. I am what socialists hate about philosophy. It's just all talk. You don't change things unless you act and I really need to stop feeling super frustrated with myself and just do something.