I'm having another one of these lazy days. I don't understand why it's so hard to just... do stuff. I have to find people to be part of this uni project and I feel no inspiration. I feel no desire to write an email to these people because chances are, I am annoying the hell out of them. Besides, I am more than sure they have better things to do than answer my email. It's so stressful. I feel like I am constantly freaked out by many social situations and these emails feel a bit like it too. Blah. This is lame.
On top of this, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be normal. I don't know if it's my fault, if I don't try hard enough. By "normal" I just mean do normal things. There's nothing wrong with me but I do have a crazy mother. Sometimes I don't know if I love her or just love her because she's my mum (re: susie's blog entry). It's like in King Lear, where Lear expect Regan and that other sister who's not Cordelia (what is her name again?). Goneril! That's right. What an ugly name. Anyway, Lear expects all his daughters to love him and whatever. And it's really just.... well, Regan and Goneril don't have to love Lear (he's a bit demanding) but I guess the problem with it was that they were incredibly nasty towards him.
Anyway, point is, it's sometimes hard to justify why you love someone when they can sometimes be antagonistic towards you because "you're still a child" and that somehow translates you being unable to do certain things. They condition you to fear them or else how the hell are you going to obey them and do what they want you to do? But then they complain that you seem so young and you have no real sense of responsibility. Your "situation" is used to benefit them when they are chatising you for wanting to move out to having a really messy room.
I just don't know what to do. I'm too scared to do anything because I don't want to be made to feel like that I want to kill myself because my mum said mean things to me. But then it makes me wonder, I can do anything. I have that ability to do anything, in a sense. I can move out, I can do it right now. It just means that I have to not care that I will be more than poor. I can do anything I want as long as I can deal with any consequence that comes along. No one can take away my rights. No one can make me do things I don't want to do.
Sigh. I wish people weren't psycho.