Did my experiment work?

When I was younger I wanted to be some kind of intense musician like Michelle Branch. I was heavily into Michelle Branch. I won tickets to the Fox Rooftop and I got to see her perform. It was amazing. So yeah, I wanted to be like her. I wanted to be able to teach myself guitar, write songs about heart break and men.

There were two problems with that. One of which was I wasn't at all musical. The other was that I didn't know about heart break, other than seeing the boys l liked like other girls. And I was also heavily in love with celebrity men, therefore the topic of unrequited love was the main subject of all my "songs". I mean this is the thing, isn't it? There are so many musicians these days that are like so young and it's amazing how real their songs seem. Take the amazing Laura Marling: she's 19 and she sings some intensely poetic and wise songs for someone her age. Every time I listen to Laura Marling I laugh and die a little inside. I laugh because I can sometimes relate to what she sings about; I die because it makes me realise just how unworldly I am. What do I really know about my existence? What does it mean it have your heart broken? What is love? All that sort of junk.

Right now, I don't think I can bear to write poetry because I know I will destroy it. After reading the crap I wrote when I was 15, it's safe to assume that I am still relatively cheeseball. Although with that said, I have "learned" more about heartbreak and other shit not that I am 20. Oh fuck: I'm actually 20. Anyway, I've thrown out all these poems/songs. I've just very embarrassed by them.

There was one about this boy I liked. We nicknamed him Popcorn so we called him popcorn. And it bothered me to no end that he was the sort of guy into girls with, well, skinny-ness, because I am not that at all. And he was also so caught up with being "popular" that he became a bit of dickhead. The song had something to with the saying "honesty is the best policy". Or maybe I'm thinking about a different thing I wrote.

There is one that I remember very clearly, though. It dates back to the time where I was heavily in love with Clay Aiken. Like, it was BEYOND obsession. It was just crazy. i was so involved with him that I hated it when my friends criticised him. The were all like "Oh, he's so ugly" or "Clay is gay" and I just didn't take a bar of it. So I wrote a "song" where I pretty just said "you may not be perfect, but you're perfect to me". Yeah, it's that cheeseball.

Anyway, my dear pal Susie, plus Emmy the Great, have made me think about rhymes. Songs, poems – they don't have to be about love. They can be about anything. They don't have to be cheeseball, either. I just think when you make the songs cheeseball, you've submitted to some kind of a more socially constructed idea of love. Well, you know, an even more so socially constructed idea of love.

So, perhaps, I will attempt to write poetry. Hmm...