Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Awkward Stories

You know what is awkward?

- Being at a party where your high school acquaintances are at, and realising that you have nothing in common with them so you just stare at each other with nothing to say. When you do start to talk to one of them and after you've gone through the "what are you studying?" ritual, trying to get out of that conversation as painlessly as possible feels impossible. You stand at the food table, piling up your plate with deep fried goods not caring that people are going to judge as the fat lard you are and mumble, "is the punch nice?" then proceed to stock up your plastic cup with some sweet, sweet juice.

- When you are 14 and catching the bus home, a 17-year old couple hop on the bus and start making out right against the buzzer you need to press to get off at the next stop. Asking them to dislodge themselves from each others' lips is met with angry looks from the couple.

- When you accidentally ask out a boy in your school. And he looks at you like you're a cockroach even though he looks like an actual turn.

- Pretending you're fashion savvy and telling everyone that Givenchy is part of Gucci.

- Watching a film during dinner and having to watch the sex scene in front of your parents.

- Sending an email to your teacher only to realise you've sent it to the whole year level and while that's embarrassing, you feel relieved that you didn't write anything embarrassing in the actual email, and when you think about it even more, there is nothing you could say to your teacher that could possibly be embarrassing for others to read, other than calling your teacher something lame like "R Dawg".

- Accidentally touching a stranger's penis. Or accidentally having your boob punched. Or accidentally punching a stranger's boob. None of this has happened to me but I'm sure it must be awkward.

- Eating so much that you have to unbutton not one, but two buttons on your high-waisted skirt.

- Making the mistake of wearing a high-waisted skirt to a big dinner.

- Crying over Clay Aiken.

- Pretending that your lesbian dogs aren't having sex in the kitchen.

- Having someone burst into your change room when you're trying on a bra at a department store.

- Thinking you can do a British accent.

- Taking a gross photo and it's ALL OVER FACEBOOK.

- Being so taken by a man's looks that you say the shittest things. Cue Drew Barrymore in 'Never Been Kissed'.

- Attending your friend's uni cocktail night, getting really drunk, singing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory songs, revealing your deepest inner "issues" to complete strangers, telling the bouncers you want to kill yourself, then having the bouncer carry you out because you're too drunk to walk down the stairs properly, waking up the next morning with no memory of this but a huge headache and some concerned text message. When you attend the next cocktail night, everyone remembers you but you don't remember any of them.

So what's your awkward story?

I realise that a lot of these scenarios are more embarrassing than awkward. It doesn't matter. Feel free to share your stories.

1 comment:

  1. aw these are so good. I think you know all of my awkward stories already. Generally I block them out of my mind about a week after they happened. Most things I've done whilst intoxicated were awkward. Ugh. I don't even want to think about those. Anything that happened to me sexually from the age of 16-20 (when my forced 'celibacy' began) was pretty fucking awkward. Lol.